Pillows, Unpacking and Provision

It's always interesting how in the life's most momentous changes things seem to often move so quickly you hardly have time recognize what's happening.  It's as though the minutes tick by painfully slowly in a monotonous rhythm of indecision in the days and weeks leading up to big changes.  But once the decision is made and the change begins life shifts into some type of hyper warp drive that leaves me breathless and white knuckling it through the days.

It felt just this way as I moved into my new home in Irvine where I am renting a room.  I spent weeks and months agonizing over what to do when I finished school and where I would end up.  Then once a plan began to take shape it was less than a week and I had found a place, packed my things and stuffed myself into my newly rented room.

Anyone who's moved even one time knows the agony of moving.  A person with 100 friends suddenly knows no one when it's time to move.  Yet even when help can be found there's just nothing that can be done for the unpacking but to go it alone.  Emptying the contents of boxes, bins and suitcases, reminiscing and carefully curating the years ahead into keep and give away piles is both daunting and tedious work.  But above all - it's time consuming.

And that, is a problem.  In my current work as an Uber/Lyft driver, I don't make money unless I'm out on the road driving.  And so the time I had to take for moving and unpacking ate away at my meager funds at the worst possible time.  So there I sat on my, mostly, final day of unpacking before heading back to work trying not to think about the fact that I had only $20 in my bank account (not enough for gas to work, much less food for the coming week).  But what I was thinking about was my frustration at my apparently lost pillows - who loses pillows?  Two, big, fluffy white pillows that fit my head so perfectly there was nary a neck pain in sight.  But I couldn't find them and the thought plagued me as I stared bleary eyed at no less than 20 boxes filled with books.

I set aside my pillow woes to set in on the boxes of books armed with the knowledge that I had only 1 small bookcase in my room where anything I kept had to fit.  I knew this would be a painful task of separating the wheat from the chaff as I waded in to the heaving pile of stories I'd been collecting since I was a child.  Like a bandaid I knew the only way to get through was to just rip it off quickly without thinking.  So I grabbed armfuls of books and after the briefest of glances I began tossing them to the right and left in keep and donate piles.

The donate boxes were filled to overflowing one by one by one.  As I sifted through each book glancing at titles and stories long forgotten I couldn't help but reminisce.  So much change was represented in these titles over the years.  Even just 1 year prior my life had been completely different.

Last summer I was still living in my own 2 bedroom apartment with a roommate.  I was just finishing my second year of seminary with no thought of what would come after.  I'd received a message from my friend Amy, a youth pastor living in Manila, who said she was going to be in town later in the summer.  We had made plans to hang out some while she was in town.  In the midst of the conversation she asked if I would mind hosting a college student/intern of hers who would be in town ahead of her.  I had met Edric before when visiting Amy and I said I was happy to have him come stay.

Edric arrived as planned and after some discussion we decided on an impromptu camping trip to Yosemite.  It was still early summer so it would be cold there but we weren't put off - even if we should have been - and headed out with a group of 4 for a weekend of camping.  I remember my time with Edric and Amy as one of those unexpected treats that brighten an otherwise mundane week.  Like hitting all green lights on the way home from work or finding an extra $5 in the pocket of your jeans that you'd forgotten about.  Just that little something that brings joy and fun and passes much too quickly.

In any case, here I was a full year later and life was so different and much more uncertain than it had been just a year prior.  As I stood hunched over my toppling stacks of books to keep I picked up a book by Francis Chan called "Forgotten God".  I paused a moment longer on this one remembering that I'd read it and contemplating if it should go in the keep or donate pile.  I ran my thumb absentmindedly over the pages as I pondered my query.  As I did, one of the pages popped back out of uniform with the rest showing a hint of something tucked in between the pages.  I thumbed too quickly and so after passing it, I stopped to go back to the page.  What on earth would be inside the book?  I keep my books rather meticulous - never a bent page or paper left inside.  My curiosity was peaked was I landed back at the page and sure enough there was a torn piece of brown paper and something greenish.  My tired, late-night-moving brain couldn't comprehend what I was looking at.  It appeared to be a torn piece of a lunch bag and monopoly money.  I pulled out the slips of paper and as I unfolded there sat in front of me a crisp $100 bill and a short note.

My brain couldn't form words of comprehension.  My eyes drifted toward the large writing at the top of the page that proclaimed, "THANK YOU CHRISSY!".  As I read clarity seeped into my brain at the same rate that the words became blurry before my dampening eyes.  The thankful stranger wrote:

"Thank you so much for having me!  God has been taking care so much of me in my trip so far.  You were definitely in my prayer requests and it's amazing to witness Him fulfill it through you.  Thank you. :)  Num. 6:24-26"
Edric

Edric.  Edric!  Could it be?  A thank you note from Edric from a full year ago, from the summer before when he stayed with me?  And what is this....he left me $100 tucked into a book?!!  I just kept thinking what are the odds?  I was giving books away.  I hadn't thumbed through a single other book before this.  I don't know why I even stopped at this one rather than tearing through like all the rest.  $100??  Really?!

And then it occurred to me.  Edric had tucked his thanks into a particular place in the book.  Perhaps that was not by accident.  And so I opened the book to the page and began to read,

"From my own experience, I have felt closer to God when nearness to Him was a necessity.  The Bible says that the Spirit comes through in situations where we would normally be afraid (Luke 12:11-12).  We experience the Holy Spirit guiding us in desperate situations, such as being placed on trial for the gospel (in some countries), when we are asked why we believe in a God that allows _____ (fill in the world's most recent tragic horror) to happen, or when we receive a totally unexpected phone call that a close family member has died.

Jesus refers to the Holy Spirit as the 'Helper' or 'Comforter.'  Let me ask you a simple question: Why would we need to experience the Comforter if our lives are already comfortable?  It is those who put their lives at risk and suffer for the gospel (Phi. 1:29) who will most often experience His being 'with you always, even to the end of the age' (Matt. 28:20 NASB).  Though this verse is true for all believers (of course god is always with us), if we are never alone or feeling like we need Him, how much do we care or need to know that God is with us?" (p. 106-107)

As the words flew past my brain into my soul, the crushing weight of my current circumstances slammed into my heart.  I'd joined a church plant community to work alongside them in a role without pay.  I'd sold most of my possessions or given them away and was cramming what I had left into a room I was renting.  I was working 10-12 hour days driving for Uber and Lyft and at that very moment, having lost 3 days of work, I had only $20 to my name and not a penny more.  And here in these pages, God reminded me first of my need and second of his quiet provision.  Why do we need a comforter if life is comfortable already the words said?  We feel close to God when being near him is a necessity the author wrote.  The Spirit comes in moments when we should feel fear and he gives us peace and it is those who risk their lives and suffer for the Gospel who experience the truth of God's presence "with us" - the words careened off the page left and right.

I was helpless to do more than slump onto the nearby couch and weep.  It was $100.  Not enough to pay all my bills for the month.  But it was just in time and it was enough.  Enough to put gas in the car to work that week.  Enough to get a few groceries to last me till pay day.  Enough to make a tearful drive over to Target to buy two, big, fluffy, white pillows.

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Hi, my name is....

It's an interesting thing to leave a job of 6 years to go back to school.  I worked as a youth pastor at an international church in Shanghai, China for 6 years.  And then 3 years ago, I decided it was time to take the next step in my career and that meant leaving Shanghai to move to Southern California to pursue my Master of Divinity.

There are obvious changes and stresses to be expected in big life changes such as this.  But you know what the most difficult change was?  The name.

In Shanghai, I was the youth pastor, the youth director, the youth person, the church staff person.....In Shanghai I had so many names.  At times I wanted to escape these names, just to be another face in the crowd.  But I was known, I was seen.  And then I moved to SoCal.  And for a few months I luxuriated in the anonymity of newness.  I walked into classrooms, church services, Bible studies, and grocery stores and I was just another no name.  People forgot my name.  They didn't know who I was.  They didn't care where I was from.  They came bearing no accolades and no critiques.  I breathed deeply of this rarified air.  I was a no name.

But after a few months when the newness began to wear off, it became clear just how much I'd come to depend on all those names I used to have.  I mean at least I was somebody right?  And now who am I?  My no name status began to feel like a box all it's own - a dusty, forgotten box.  In a city like Los Angeles, no names are decidedly not on trend.

As the months passed, I slogged through realizing that I needed to wrestle with these identity demons.  Isn't it interesting how these things just pop back up like long dormant viruses waiting to attack our carefully honed spiritual immunity?  But what better place to fight for my identity and remind myself who I am in Christ than in seminary?

And so here I am now a mere 2 weeks past graduation.  MDiv (almost) firmly in hand (*cough* summer class *cough*).  I've added a little Greek and Hebrew to the resume.  I've stacked up a tidy sum of student loans.  And I've unnecessarily expanded my personal library of books only skimmed once.  I'm ready to charge out there to...well maybe not exactly to save the world....but at least to serve faithfully at a fantastic church and pray to the God of miracles to send manna from heaven to pay off these student loans.  I'm ready for my title.  Associate pastor maybe.  Or young adult pastor.  How about pastor of discipleship and small groups?  I'm not too picky...just point me in the direction of my new name.

But God had other plans.  A church plant.  A new church that does not yet exist with a group of people I'm only just getting to know.  It's clear.  It's inescapable.  So that's a plus.  On the downside....there's no job.  There's no pay.  There's no new name.

For my last sermon of my creative preaching course...practically the last assignment I completed for seminary, I preached a sermon about Big Names and No Names.  (This would be a good time to check it out if you haven't already!)  I couldn't get this passage from 2 Kings 6:1-7 out of my head.  This funny little story about a no name guy who loses an ax.  How clever for me to find the significance and merit for such a strange story in the midst of such political turmoil.  Yes...clever of me....or maybe just how knowing of God! And yet, as I sit here 2 weeks post graduation and I think about that same story, I'm struck again by the pull of the no name.  What a struggle it can be to go through life daily feeling like a no name.  We allow ourselves to be so subtly wrapped up into what we do, where we live, who we know.  Something about us craves to be known, to have a name.  All of life seems to propel us toward this all important end.  And then almost sadistically, life works to systematically strip away that name.

What has stripped away your name?  Loss of a job?  Racism?  Hatred?  Empty Nest?  Illness?  Sexism?  A big move?  Financial difficulties?  Broken relationships?  Has your identity been wrapped up in something that has slipped away?  Isn't it interesting how important these names are for us....sometimes without even realizing it?

It can be bittersweet to find yourself becoming a no name.  And yet, this funny little story in 2 Kings reminds me that God saves no names.  The story of Hagar under the tree reminds me that God's name is El Roi and he is the God who sees me.  And Isaiah calls out to me,

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

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biggest loser...china taste

for those tracking with me on my biggest loser journey toward awesomeness, after 1 week of biggest loseriness i lost a grand total of 1.1% of my total body weight. ha ha. well hey...losing is losing right? slow and steady wins the race maybe??? here's hoping!

as week 2 continues i've found china both welcoming and receptive to my loseriness. first, i joined a chinese gym. i've gone a few times now and on monday when i went i had an ummm interesting yet helpful experience. so the chinese gym i should say is pretty nice. the equipment is decent and in fairly good condition and it only cost me 1400rmb for a full year membership (that's $205 for those who don't know what 1400rmb is!). so you know, great deal really. the one major drawback is that in china as with their water, they like it hot. they have a few small fans and some open windows and that's it. so the amount of sweat one can generate in 45min. on an elliptical is quite amazing. my first time, i was sweating so much i had sweat not only forming on my fore arms but actually dripping off. (i consider my fore arms to be an area of my body that would not typically sweat copious amounts!)

in any case, i'm still down with the gym and have been going faithfully every other day. so on monday i went in and put my stuff in my locker and then started to change into my workout clothes. for the ladies, you'll understand that sports bras are made particularly tight (for obvious reasons) and so they can sometimes get all twisty, thus making them a bit tricky to get on. in this case, i had a few brief struggles with my sports bra and was standing there tugging at it when i suddenly felt someone's hand on my back. eek! then i realized my sports bra was being oh so nicely tugged down into place. so my first awkwardness subsided and i thought, dang that was nice and helpful, i should say thanks. so i turned around and found chubby chinese lady standing there completely naked all smiles! i quickly said thanks and finished changing!! what can i say...helpful and strangely motivating for my workout!

the other strange occurence which is slightly less tied to loseriness but still crazy. i actually know and have interacted with someone who apparently now has swine flu! crazy crazy! i went to a bday dinner for this girl and apparently she had a friend fly in from new zealand to surprise her for her bday. i guess the girl who flew in got or had swine flu and then gave it to her friend here. happy birthday...here's your swine flu present! anyway...as far as i know all swine flu was acquired after i saw the girl so i seem to be symptom-less, but we cancelled our small group tonight...just in case. though i suppose if i should come down with anything it could prove to be a helpful biggest loser weightloss technique. what do you think? no? :)

anyway...here's hoping i can muster more than 1.1% this week! :)

we're here, we're hungry, get used to it brunch

....yes some of you have caught the pop culture sitcom reference in the title....you're correct...i'm now hooked like everyone else. for those that didn't catch it...you can go on thinking i'm really really funny...that's right....blog five!

so anyway...for the 3 people who read my blog you prolly already know and may even be a part of the new international version of the biggest loser that yours truly has crazily enrolled in. my $100 entrance fee buys me 23 weeks of low cal, high exercise fun. and, if at the end of 23 weeks of more-fun-than-a-person-has-a-right-to, i have the highest percentage of weightloss, i'll get something like $1000. sounds good right?! yeah....well....i think it is. course, i don't think i can win, but i do hope to put forth a better showing than my fantasy football team did last year. now the league has morphed into a keeper league and the truth is when your team finishes dead last there isn't much you'd want to keep!

but i digress.

so the biggest loser is underway in week 1 and so far i'm tracking calories, doing pilates every morning, and joined a gym. now i just need to go to the gym and i'll be on a sure path to not-last-place! woo hoo.

i've told a few of my friends here about our little competition since i'm the only contestant representing all of asia and so i thought i could use a little positive reinforcement. so i suppose the response at lunch on sunday should have come as no surprise to me. we're sitting at johnny moo's, shanghai's version of a fake american 50's diner that serves burgers and shakes (think johnny rocket). i'm casually flipping through the menu to figure out what to order and i mutter to myself, "now what would the biggest loser eat?" immediately, my friend hannah reaches over and flips my menu to the salads page and then smiles at me. i laugh at this bit of a joke/hint and think over the choices. when my turn comes for ordering i go ahead and order the grilled chicken ceasar salad and no sooner do the words come out of my mouth then everyone at the table sponaneously begins clapping. it was just short of a standing ovation! lol. now that's what i call positive reinforcement.

to all my fellow contestants....i know you're trying hard, but i fail to see how i can be beat when i get a standing O every time i sit down to a meal!

may the biggest loser win! :)

summer road trip

so i'm planning on a road trip this summer with my friend amy. i've got the route pretty well mapped out but haven't completed decided what we'll do at each stop. any ideas on what to look for? here's where we'll be:

san fransisco - 1 1/2 days
yosemite - 1 day
vegas/red rocks - 1 1/2 days
utah - 1 day at some random amusement park!
denver - 2 days
missouri - 1/2 day (really just a stop to camp on the way elsewhere)
ohio - a day at cedar point
baltimore - 5 days

i'm hoping to camp most of the way to bmore and maybe stay with a friend or two along the way. any suggestions or fun ideas would be great!

anybody else doing anything fun this summer? anybody wanna meet up somewhere along the way? i'll be down in florida in early july as well.

hope to catch up with everyone on my whirlwind tour of the u.s. this summer!

waiting to be

shanghai, as with most big cities, is never quiet, never quite still. plopping down in the middle of a bustling city is not what you would imagine for the perfect contemplative moment. but as with any place you live for a while, you come to appreciate its charms, its smells, and even its bustle. and soon, you come to find the quiet niches that tuck themselves away like stolen moments with a lover.

5pm in shanghai is just such a moment; a hidden quietness in the midst of chaos, a gentle blush of color before a crushing dawn. at 5pm, most aren't home from work and those who don't work are at home preparing food for the evening meal. things slow almost imperceptibly. the streets go vaguely quiet, seeming briefly serene.

i walked into an eerily empty restaurant to have some dinner. after picking up my own menu, i took it back outside to read a book and wait for my food in the waning light of a beautiful spring day. hardly more than 2 or 3 people passed and they seemed as much lost in their wandering as i was in the pages of my book. and just when the air chilled enough to stiffen my fingers around the pages of my book a few small, steady changes began.

the local dvd sellers wheeled up their cart for the night's work. they began to unpack piles of movies and tv shows and lined them up down the sidewalk. it seemed strangely cathartic to see them setting up rather than happening upon them after they've magically appeared. i took it as my cue to wander home. it's often in that quiet walk toward the comfort of home that my mind usually wanders. letting my thoughts drift lightly from idea to idea...never really staying long in one place.

crossing the street, i looked up to see the sun setting. it wasn't dazzling or brilliant. in fact, it was rather ordinary. the sun was a full, clear, yellow-orange, resting gently atop the city skyline. and for just a moment...the city seemed still. the bright calmness of it mesmerized me for a few moments. then i continued my walk home. continued watching the shanghai night unfold. more and more vendors were rolling up to take their places along the street. there were 2 or 3 dvd sellers in a row just beside someone selling english cd's. these were followed by a strange assortment of items for purchase, cheap toys, baskets and wooden boxes, specialty cigarettes and cigars, books, fake wallets and multiple flower peddlars selling their wares from the backs of bikes. but no one was asking you to buy anything. no one was shopping. there was barely the hint of a word. people just moved about quietly setting up in preparation. half empty blankets and cardboard boxes waited to hold the promised merchandise.

further down the street a somewhat pleasing aroma of grilled meat and vegetables caught up to me. food vendors were setting up on either corner by my apartment selling assorted fresh meats, vegetables, and sweets to be grilled and sauted over searing flame and ash. their long heavy tables were strewn with food in every color and shape you can imagine that drew me in to almost buy something except that i was still much too full from my dinner. these street chefs pulled out numerous plastic tables and chairs, as if they'd pulled them from some baltimore city backyard bbq, and set them out on the sidewalks and by the curb of the street, making ready for the evening's diners.

shanghai is a city of extremes, of opposites, of eccentricities. it's sometimes a place that defies reason. it exudes an air of ancient history and modern progress in a mingled and pungent odor that you can't quite escape even when you leave. and at 5pm, on an almost warm april evening, it is, like me, a city waiting to be...

strange but hilariously true

i've been collecting stories and strange but hilariously true happenings of life of late. some even come with pictures!

my favorite strange but true moment? i wore my flops today....feb. 12 and it was that warm.

so for those from home who read, you may know that alisha came for a visit before cny. she came to help kristen get settled in and hang out. the two of them checked out lots in shanghai and i helped them arrange a quick trip to beijing. i only joined them a couple times as i was swamped with work...and really what do the young chickys want with an old fogey like me anyway?!!

• on our first jaunt on the metro (i was taking the girls to the fabric market) we were chatting it up and laughing over some random stuff. i don't remember much of what we were laughing about but i know that we were talking about how crowded the metro can be at times and how sometimes you have to push to be sure you can get on and off. then i was cracking some jokes about having to box out. just after this, i heard the announcement for our stop so i nodded to the girls and said, "this is us." 2 seconds later this chinese dude looks at us takes a step back, motions with his hand, and in perfect, american english says, "do you guys need to get off?" uhhhhh.....yeah....we smiled and then spent the next 60 seconds replaying every word we'd just said trying to remember if we'd made any rude comments. we hadn't....but ummm...note to self....sometimes the people who understand english blend in surprisingly well!!!


• my next trip on the metro brought one of those priceless china moments that are so hard to describe to people. just those moments that pop up when you least expect it and all you can think is....dang i'm glad i have a camera on my phone. i'll let the pics do the talking:

alisha left for the states just a day before i left for my little cny adventure to thailand. poor kristen was left in shanghai all by her lonesome....she seems to have held up pretty well armed with my 200 movie dvd collection and working internet connection.

thailand was, of course, amazing. from private pool access hotel rooms, to snorkeling in crystal clear waters, and taking in the sun at the beach where lots of old european ladies thought it would be cool to go topless (old boobs should never be seen by the light of day!)!

i particularly enjoyed a sort of random superbowl experience as we watched the cardnials GIVE AWAY the game to the always hated steelers in heartbreaking fashion from some picnic tables and chairs set up on a sidewalk outside a street bar at 6am in bangkok. i never imagined watching the steelers win the superbowl from a sidewalk streetbar in thailand with 2 canadians would be a good time....but hey....it may be strange...but it's all true!

• but despite the apparent strangeness of the superbowl, it paled in comparison with the wildlife shenanigans that thailand offered! it was really just 1 fateful tour that joy (pictured above) and i signed up for. one of those touristy things that you never really do but every once in a while for lack of better planning or ideas it seems like it's worth it. we'd already be snorkeling at the hidden beach location where the leonardo dicaprio movie "the beach" had been filmed. we were taken in the by the charm of pukhet and i guess we figured our touring luck would persist. so we signed up for this tour that included some random sight seeing and an elephant trek and sea kayaking. i thought the elephant trek (according to the pics) would take us into some jungle type area and that we'd get some cool looking pics and what not. what we got was a 10-minute jaunt around a dirt track made for sad elephants who have to wonder in the heat of the day with 2 chubby tourists on its back. so i think our elephant decided to fight "the man" if you will. in the less than 10 minutes we were on his back he stopped to take a dump, which was ok, not entirely surprising. then like 10 seconds later i hear what sounds exactly like a fire hydrant that's been let loose in the summer time. joy points out it's the sweet sounds of an elephant peeing. so i think ok...we've taken care of that the old boy is ready to be on his way now. then about 30 seconds later, i hear a sound that i'm not sure i'll ever really be able to adequately describe. i'd say wind-tunnel-ish would be my best try but really that doesn't do it justice. all i know is i was looking around like...what the...and joy busts out laughing and says so sweetly in her canadian accent, "He's farting!" really....how many people get the farting elephant?


• after our disappointing elephant "trekking," i was a little less excited about the sea kayaking but i still held out hope that it would be as cool as one of the other trips down the thai canals i'd taken in bangkok. of course, before we hit the kayaking they had to make a stop at cashew nut factory so we could learn about the cashews and, of course, buy stuff. (side note: did you know that a cashew is a fruit and a nut? yup...a cashew fruit grows on a tree and a cashew nut is on the bottom of the fruit. you can actually make cashew juice out of the fruit...it doesn't taste half bad.) so anyway, we sample the nuts and snacks and make some small purchases and then head off to our sea kayaking adventure. as we are pulling up i point out to joy the swarms of monkeys that are all over the place running all through the trees and even hopping in and out of the water that's coming up to the land. we hop out of the van and head towards a long rickety, wooden bridge that leads to a floating restaurant and then beyond that the kayak docks. just as we are coming over to the bridge our guide stops and says, "be careful of the monkeys. they will bite." so i'm like...ummm ok....and i'm looking at all the monkeys frolicking around me and they start to seem less frolicky and more menacing by the second. then the guide stops again and says, "oh! you don't have any food in your bags do you?" no i'm thinking, "you're kidding right? you just took us to a damn cashew nut factory and told us to buy stuff. OF COURSE WE HAVE FOOD IN OUR BAGS." but all i calmly inform him is that yes we have food, but it's not open. he says it doesn't matter the monkeys can smell it and they will still try to get it from our bags so we should be careful. so i'm like...gee, thanks for the tip buddy. and, of course, as we head onto the bridge the eyes of the monkeys are going from menacing to downright rabid in my mind's eye. then after 2 steps onto the bridge, the guide stops and says hold on. he runs off the bridge and then quickly comes back with a whole hand full of rocks. so i'm thinking this is comforting...this guy wasn't just playing a little monkey game...let's scare the tourists...he's serious about these things. so we head out onto the bridge and he's trying to shoo them away by yelling at them, stomping, jumping, throwing rocks whatever. most are not all that afraid and our progress is slow. now, i should point out, i'm at the back of the pack with joy in front of me and the guide in front of her. so with each passing step i'm thinking, "sure, the monkeys will run away from the guide and then circle back around and all pounce on me." i'm gripping the straps of my bag tighter and tighter but i have dancing images in my mind of me whirling around in a circle with 25 monkeys clinging to my backpack and my face and like ripping me eyeballs out. so you know....i'm a little freaked out and we aren't really moving fast enough to make me think it's gonna be over quickly. so i sort of lean forward toward joy and make a groaning noise as i start to say that i'm gonna hold onto her cuz i'm freaked. apparently....joy only hears the freaked out groaning and not the warning that i'm gonna hold on. when i grab her bag, joy screams and swings around wildly and looks at me. of course, her crazy outburst sends me into a screaming fit. as the two of us stand there screaming and looking at each other the guide just starts laughing. meanwhile i'm saying to joy, "what are you doing?!!!" and she's yelling back, "you scared me. you grabbed my bag and i thought it was a monkey!!!!" and i reply, "well you're screaming like crazy and that scared me half to death so now i'm screaming." we both kinda nervously laugh and then proceed to make our way to the end of the monkey bridge of death as i like to fondly remember it. by this time everyone in the restaurant at the end of the bridge as witnessed the white people hysterics and is laughing right along with our ever helpful guide. as you can imagine, our trip back down the bridge after kayaking was not something we were looking foward to. but this time, we had braced ourselves and felt ready. joy reminded me NOT to touch her this time and i told her i definitely would not. our guide had a long stick this time and so we were ready to go. i was some how at the back of the line yet again and so visions of multiple monkey attacks were still dancing in my head but i was ready to push through the fear. now i should clarify that monkeys don't just sit nicely off to a side and stare at you while they think about mutilating your face so they can get to your food. their tricky little buggers who bounce around like rabid 3-year-olds on a suger overdose. they hop from branch to branch and run all around the sides of the bridge and you never really feel on balance. you sort of think that you can't keep your eye on any of them for long enough to ever really be sure that they aren't running a diversion tactic or setting a screen of some kind so they can just pound you with an aerial attack. so all this is happening as we creep back down the bridge. we get about 1/2 way down and the guide stops. there are 2 monkeys a couple feet in front of him and they won't move. they are just sitting there...and i promise, one is growling. seriously, teeth showing, low noise coming from its throat growling. i kid you not...monkeys growl...and it is truly sinister. the guide is waving the stick and yelling and banging the tree branches and trying all kinds of antics to scare the pesky fiends away but they just aren't having it. after several minutes one jumps down first. then, the other sort of slowly splashes down off the side of the bridge but he refuses to do more than take 1 step off the bridge. once he's in the marshy water he stays right next to the bridge watching our every move. so we begin our forward progress once more and i'm just ready to give up and die of heart failure right there. then, i make the fatal mistake. just as we are passing the evil monkey, i sort of slow and look to the side so i can get a look at him. who knows what would possess me to do that...maybe i just wanted to be sure i could look death in the eye before it came at me...i don't know. but whatever the case, i glanced over and i see this little dripping monkey, hair all spikey everywhere, water dripping from the ends of it's furry head, and then....well how can i write it without showing you? then....he just lifts his arms next to his head, bears his teeth, and makes a hissing growling sound as he stares right back at me! needless to say, i was off that bridge in 2 seconds flat! of course, the best part was for the rest of the weekend when paul said something we didn't like, joy and i could just look at him and make the scary monkey hissing growling face. and then i would say, "i'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"

i know it sounds strange...but i kid you not....it is all hilariously true.